One Step at a Time
I'm slowly coming to the realization of what being pregnant means. I'm actually carrying a life inside me. In a few short months I will bring another life into this world and forever change the course of my own life. I'll no longer think of myself, but think of only this little bundle of joy. I'm still sad at times, knowing that Scott will have nothing to do with this child. I already feel a change in me for the better, and I'm not only sad for this baby, but I'm sad for him too. He'll never know how wonderful it feels to be a parent.
I'm already wishing I could give this baby everything. I never wanted to have a child out of wedlock. I always wanted a family. A real, stable, happy family, where my kids can grow up in a good and positive environment. This baby hasn't even been born yet and it's already without a father. I blame myself for letting it happen this way. I can't blame him, really. He never wanted this. I wouldn't dare push it on him. I only wish he would realize that I didn't do this on purpose, I wish he'd stop blaming me as if I did this to ruin his life. He hasn't said it, but I know that's how he feels.
I haven't gone back to work since my move, and the firm has no idea that I'm pregnant. I don't think they'll take it very well considering I've already taken a sabbatical and I'll definitely be taking maternity leave in a few months. I don't care, though. I've learned to rearrange my priorities.
I went out on the town today. I wanted to feel some fresh air and went walking around my neighborhood. I found this quaint little nursery shoppe not far from my place and I was just drawn to it. I made my very first baby purchase today. I don't know the sex of the baby yet, obviously, but here's my wishful thinking.. ( for baby medina )
